These last seven months have really dragged. I've felt like my life has been suspended in mid-air, no moving forward or backward, just frozen in time, full of anticipation, fear, dread, hope, and even some excitement at times, of what lies in store for us. I've wanted to prepare to move my family to Mexico, so that I would be ready at the drop of a hat, but I never could bring myself to actually do anything about it, because I still clung, and wanted to cling, to the hope of staying stateside.
It's not that I dislike Mexico, by any means; I just wanted to have a choice, a say in the matter,some semblance of control over my own future. But maturity and experience have taught me that it was a choice I made when I said "I do," and I'm okay with that. The thought of living in Mexico is a bit daunting, though, because I am not Mexican, I have never lived anywhere else than right here, in this same 25 mile radius, my whole 27 years of life. There are so many variables and unknowns that I can't find the solution in my head (oh, that's my inner math geek showing, don't mind her...).
But, and this is a big "but", I know myself well enough to know that if I had the choice, I never would have made the plunge. God has bigger plans. He whispers to my heart, "For I know the plans that I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jer. 29:11) Those words: prosper, hope, future, remind me that this isn't a bad thing. I am scared, because I am only human and it is in my nature. I try to be strong and scold myself for being fearful and not "trusting in the Lord" but that's just silly. "For if our heart condemns us, God is greater than our heart and knows all things." ( 1 Jn 3:20) I'm so glad that God is bigger than my emotions, than my self imposed laws. My feelings are not the "be all, end all" deciding factor. They are fleeting at best and can change as quick as the Texas weather, as my situation changes. The truth is, no matter my situation, God is unchanging, and knows exactly where I am at, even when I can't find myself in the midst of it all. Now I'm trying real hard to feel all this that I am writing from the platform of faith, but you know what? That is God's area.
I have been reading something that really speaks to me, "For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for that we do not see, we wait for it with patience. Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words." (Rom. 8:24-26) This is my hope.
Last Saturday I got a phone call from Carlos saying that he received some information from an ICE Advocate that the judge made a negative ruling in his case on December 3rd, and that he had until January 3rd to appeal this decision (this would be our second appeal). Carlos asked if I wanted to do another appeal, and it just doesn't seem like a good decision, so we both agreed that we would not. I was devastated. It has been a tumultuous week for me, emotional, and hesitant. I have had moments of excitement at the thought of this great adventure, but then it is always followed by a biting guilt, knowing so many family members, my mom and sister especially, are trying to find a way to just deal with "losing" us. There is plenty of time for excitement when we arrive, but for now, I must live in regret. What? But that's how I feel. Transparency, remember?
I don't know how to juggle this many balls without letting some fall out of control. Although the control freak in me will almost kill herself trying before admitting that she can't handle it all.
I saw a great quote on Facebook yesterday:
|"You are so brave and quiet I forget you are suffering." -Ernest Hemingway|
I don't want to be the CAN DO girl when I can't do. I am not strong, even though you probably won't see me cry. All of a sudden my plate is full and overflowing with things that I have to get done, as if it wasn't already full, now there are more things on top of all that, and the financial burden is great. I don't know how God plans on working it all out, but I know He will, in His own timing, and not in mine.
I am not a very patient person, and the suspense of the "in-between, neither here not there" moments drive me nuts! I know one day this moment frozen in time will be all but a memory, a blip on the radar, and I will look back on it with clarity and understanding, as they say, hind-sight is 20/20. But for now I'm on this side of that destination. Life isn't about getting somewhere, it's about the journey, it's entirely made up of the "in-between, neither here nor there" moments that make me crazy. Isn't it ironic, don't you think? 😉
So, here's to a new start, another chapter in this book called life. It's an ongoing saga that doesn't quit til it's over, and if it's going to fall apart, just let it fall. <--That would probably be my dad's advice to me, if he were here to give it.